how to gain confidence from other peoples emotional hot flashes

When I turn on the air conditioning from the heat,
It becomes too cold and you step outside
You mention how you need to defrost from the cold blast
But why change a climate when you are wanting to leave
The next time you came over, I had a fire and blankets
My favorite worn blanket, with stains and tears
Your fingers touched the fringe and you turned up your nose
You said it was too rough against your skin and much too warm
But I have nothing else to wrap around you but used quilts

My quilts that have history make you spit on them,
You said they were much too dark, much too damaged,
Much too busy in its pattern and it was an eyesore
I wondered if a down-feather, pure white blanket suited you better
I never buy them anymore because I’m allergic
And we all know I’m clumsy, so it would be coffee covered off-white

I thought about what I could do to meet up to your standards
If I changed the temperature again, would it please you this time?
But I could buy a thousand blankets and a million fans-
And you would still find it at an uncomfortable degree
So when the sun so bright it burned my eyes,
but it still fell at that perfect August sunset;
and the grass feels like the rough edges of my blanket,
but it was cool and soft between my bare feet;
I was reminded imperfections grow in the ground,
they fall from the sky, shine in the moon and bloom in the Spring

What happened to the carefree girls
with color in their hair
and lipstick smudged on pink
What happened to the female chaotic
who sang loudly to The Cardigans
and drank on the floor of toilet stalls
What happened to the lonely enigma
with her feet firmly planted in her ways
and a rebellion led heart
What happened to the angry children
who continually broke rules
and the threat of consequence meant little
When did the world instill a fear in our
hummingbird hearts
We have become so afraid to break
that we don’t leave our house without a phone
we don’t cross dark allies alone
we don’t hold a strangers hand
we make sure the pepperspray is full
we are taught and learn to be afraid
Made to feel so scared that we soon forget,

We entered this world as fiery goddesses
daughters of Aphrodite, with hears of Athena

Unknown 04/06

Never lose that curiosity
The curiosity that causes you to dig deeper
Refuse to settle for a simple answer,
always ask further questions
then step further and decipher it again

Because if I ever leave
Or if he were ever to return
I’d rather cry on your shoulder,
telling you why
Than stick to an easy lie
and never know what should have
could have
happened.

Thinking about you now just brings pain
It’s as if whenever a memory you comes across my mind,
A tiny string tugs at my heart, begging it to break
over and over.

You are fine now and I am fine now but,
There will never be a day that I’m ‘fine’ with the outcome
There are tears set aside for each time I mourn
what we could have turned out to be

You are not exed out, you are not the past, nor are you history
You are a stain which will not wash away

03.16

My stomach feels somewhat unsettled. Similarly to the feeling on gets from seeing grey rain clouds from afar as you drive through the sun. You aren’t to the cold, dark place you are headed yet- but you know it’s there and you know it’s coming.

This is what anxiety feels like.

It feels like beads of sweat that sting your skin because every part of your being hurts. It hurts to breathe, hurts to move, hurts to think. And how can you begin to plan where to make the next move, or how to plan your safe route, if you can’t even untangle the map provided. Pages stick together, roads and rivers are smudged, and there are tears in the corner.

So you channel your inner “carpe diem” and use shortcuts the passenger is yelling over the ear-straining music. Life is really just a crazy road trip, with no sense of direction.

Being that way, I’m left at the infamous crossroads of life- enjoy the ride or stall the trip. I still don’t exactly know how to get past this stubborn fork in my path.