how to gain confidence from other peoples emotional hot flashes

When I turn on the air conditioning to fight the heat,
You declare it becomes too cold and you step outside
You mention how you need to defrost from the cold blast
But why change a climate when you are wanting to leave
The next time you came over, I had a fire and blankets
Including my favorite worn blanket, ripped at seams and stained
Then your fingers touched the fringe, and you turned up your nose
You said it was too rough against your skin and much too warm
But I have nothing else to wrap around you but used quilts

My quilts carry a history that causes you great disgust
You said they were much too dark, much too damaged,
Much too chaotic in pattern- and that caused you headaches
I wondered if a down-feather, pure white blanket suited you better
However, I never buy them anymore because I’m allergic
And we all know I’m clumsy, so white is a color that I disagree with

I thought about what I could do to meet those standards of yours
If I changed the thermostat again, would you finally find your empathy?
But I could buy a thousand feathered throws or an industrial fan,
And I’m sure you would still find it at an uncomfortable degree
I apologize but I can’t keep wasting my electricity on disagreements
The cost is way too high and you refuse to split the bill

So when I stepped outside to the sun that burned my eyes and skin,
but it still fell at that perfect August sunset;
and the grass feels like the rough edges of my blanket,
but it was cool and soft between my bare feet;
I was reminded of the imperfections that grow in the ground,
they fall from the sky, shine in the moon and bloom in the Spring
So if the earth is pardoned and forgiven for it’s faults,
if I plant myself in the soil- will I be infallible and unwavering?

when it’s barely sunrise

Does the crack in your heart ache?
Did you let it safely heal,
or did you pick at the scab?
I couldn’t offer you a tissue,
or a band-aid,
without cutting my own hands.

These pale, shaky hands that strain when writing
Fingers crossed with a hopeful mind
Nails digging in my palms
Scarred flesh from all the countless times,
I have gathered up sharp, broken pieces of people
Supporting their collapsing structure as I bled
Fragments of glass hearts shattered in my eyes
Piles of broken bones creating a grave for not one,
but two.

I used to be a kind captain,
trusting the sea to guide me home
But now that I know the restlessness of waves,
and unpredictable change in the currents
I refuse to go down with the ship,
becoming a smashed seascape in the coral-
only to be remembered in National Geographic,
when they have underwater shipwreck features.

I apologize my timing was off,
and it was you who found yourself caught-
in the chaotic changing of guards around my heart
But I was exhausted and worn from being
stuck in the snowy winter with you;

I need to defrost
I need to save my own soul at sea
I need to stitch the cuts from your edges
And it’s impossible to heal the broken,
when you aren’t even whole yourself

What happened to the carefree girls
with color in their hair
and lipstick smudged on pink
What happened to the female chaotic
who sang loudly to The Cardigans
and drank on the floor of toilet stalls
What happened to the lonely enigma
with her feet firmly planted in her ways
and a rebellion led heart
What happened to the angry children
who continually broke rules
and the threat of consequence meant little
When did the world instill a fear in our
hummingbird hearts
We have become so afraid to break
that we don’t leave our house without a phone
we don’t cross dark allies alone
we don’t hold a strangers hand
we make sure the pepperspray is full
we are taught and learn to be afraid
Made to feel so scared that we soon forget,

We entered this world as fiery goddesses
daughters of Aphrodite, with hears of Athena

Unknown 04/06

Never lose that curiosity
The curiosity that causes you to dig deeper
Refuse to settle for a simple answer,
always ask further questions
then step further and decipher it again

Because if I ever leave
Or if he were ever to return
I’d rather cry on your shoulder,
telling you why
Than stick to an easy lie
and never know what should have
could have
happened.

Thinking about you now just brings pain
It’s as if whenever a memory you comes across my mind,
A tiny string tugs at my heart, begging it to break
over and over.

You are fine now and I am fine now but,
There will never be a day that I’m ‘fine’ with the outcome
There are tears set aside for each time I mourn
what we could have turned out to be

You are not exed out, you are not the past, nor are you history
You are a stain which will not wash away

Red Thread Heart

I wonder about you sometimes. I worry even more. I hope you are drinking water and eating and sleeping okay. I hope you still enjoy walks outside and carry a compassion for small animals. I wish you the best while you carry on in this world without my hand in yours.

I don’t know why we were so drawn together, like two broken magnets that were so strong in their connection but so weak in the execution. I know each fortune told in both of your palms though I have never ran my hands over them.

But we still stare at the same moon and breathe the same air. Sometimes that has to be just…enough.

We have these red strings that are like crumb trails to those that matter most in our life. But I don’t imagine there to be only one. Like veins in our body, they reach far and many to our vital organs. Our vital players on this chessboard of life.

I am grateful for you, but I am grateful from this distance. I will tie a balloon to the end of your red thread, and set you free among the stars. You can choose to guide me when I’m lost, but never lose track of your own constellation that holds you close to the moon.