[[I will edit this better tomorrow- I wanted to write but was too tired to make corrections.]]
If I pinch there, will it ever go away?
Can I bruise myself a reminder of whats ugly?
If you told me 12 years ago, I’d still fight with the mirror,
Would I have made all the same choices?
Because when I was 13, it was a year until I was thin enough;
Thin enough to be happy, beautiful and wear trendy clothes.
But by 14, the scale showed progress but the mirror showed none.
So began a vicious cycle of what to eat, when
When to eat and how,
How much water makes bread soft enough?
Soft enough to taste twice?
How do you get rid of stomach acid on your teeth,
and at what age does that cause decay?
Do I take this risk, do I play roulette, close my eyes and jump?
And down the rabbit hole she went,
A lonely journey to the red queen who already had my head.
I drank when I saw “drink me” because though it made me bigger,
it helped me out when I saw stars because
The pill saying “eat me” made me too small to stand
Now at 15, a newly found womens body made me cringe
Don’t you dare stare at my hips, I already know they are too much space
And you need not remind me how my ass looks,
ten men four times my age already told me
as I walked one single block downtown.
Don’t tell me Lolita was such a beautifully dark story,
when you haven’t heard the story from Lolita herself
And people wonder why women have an obsession with being small?
I can’t count the times I’ve heard “oh my god, I fit in the kids section!”
Not as a horrific gasp or a black comedy laugh- but glowing with glee.
Congratulations, you still look barely 18 from the neck down.
What the ads don’t tell you is how much more quickly wrinkles will come,
How many missed opportunities due to being bruised by just breathing,
How you still dream of your mothers wavering voice, with a small knock,
reminding you that your bathroom skeleton was apparent to all.
How it wasn’t until I was half past my twenties
When I finally was able to look into a body-length mirror,
And congratulate myself on cooking dinner today,
Walk without feeling dizzy and weak,
Smile because I woke up to see the sunrise,
Laugh because I was finally able to,
Tell my hips and thighs:
“I love you, and I’m sorry. You grew for me while I tried to shrink away from you.
I won’t punish you for becoming a woman any longer;
Instead, I will embrace you for the goddess you have made me.”